Why me?

So despite a pretty awesome day overall, this evening I had an unfortunate reminder of why I sometimes hate this city.

I got robbed. Again. And I'm getting pretty sick of it, to be honest.

It's not that I'm careless with my personal possessions. Hardly. There is a part of me that is entirely made up of my mother's DNA and means that if anyone even so much as LOOKS at my bag I immediately picture them as a potential purse-snatcher. Overreaction? Perhaps.

And I know it's not Dublin's fault that I got robbed. I mean people get robbed every day in cities all over the world. It just so happens that the only 2 times in my life that I've had my bag stolen have BOTH happened here. Within a few blocks of each other, actually. And so my occasionally rose-tinted view of my adopted hometown is... a bit skewed... to the point that I'm once again forced to view each and every member of the general public as a potential purse-snatcher.

The compassionate Buddhist in me is gonna have to take a backseat for a few days.

It's just... it's such a violation of my personal space! I mean okay, I have always been lucky and gotten my purse back, which is more than most victims can say. This time the helpful manager and security people at McDonald's (yes... I got robbed at McDonald's... please spare me your ridicule for the moment) checked the CCTV footage immediately and noticed the girl in question go into the women's bathroom, where they found my bag, intact but missing €50. I know it could have been worse. Much worse! I was envisioning frantic calls to cancel all my various cards, having to pay to get IDs reissued, new student cards, etc... all with money that I don't have.

Apparently purse-snatchers do not take your employment and/or financial status into account when choosing you as a victim. Maybe I look too well-off.

Note to self - work on the "I'm unemployed, can't go on welfare and have no money" look.

Sleep Deprivation = Cranky K

For those of you following me on Twitter, you may be aware that I am currently having "issues" with Irish Rail / Iarnrod Eireann. Might I just add... "issues" is a serious understatement.

Here's the thing. I like sleep. I am a huge fan of sleeping. I am a much better, much nicer and kinder person when allowed to get my (at least) 8 hours solid, uninterrupted sleep.

And yes, I was aware, when we moved into our apartment over a year ago, that it was right beside the train lines. I have learned to sleep through trains going back and forth at all hours of the day and night... so much so that I don't even notice them anymore. That is, apart from the one engine that insists on spewing noxious clouds of grey horribleness every time it goes by. That one I can live without. But that's another story.

Here's what I can't handle. Every night since Saturday, Irish Rail has decided to undertake serious maintenance work on the lines outside the apartment. Now I get that they have to wait until the trains stop running... I really do. But seriously... Every. Single. Night. from 1.00 - 4.00am I am kept awake by workers yelling, blinding lights, generator engines, and my own personal favourite, the angle-grinder-that-sounds-like-a-chainsaw-in-my-bedroom.

People... this is not okay.

Alright, so I'm unemployed and should theoretically be able to compensate for the sleep deprivation by sleeping in until, say, 3pm. I haven't, though. I have homework, and job applications, and wedding planning, and apartment cleaning and, most importantly, a 9am job interview this morning, at which I had to appear bright-eyed and bushy-tailed DESPITE ONLY HAVING 3 HOURS' SLEEP!!

So far my strongly worded emails to Irish Rail / Iarnrod Eireann have gone unanswered. I am wholly unimpressed with this situation, and am giving serious consideration to the idea of writing to them again and suggesting they use this sleep deprivation technique at Guantanamo Bay. That is how effective it is.

Anyone out there have any suggestions?

Who needs holidays, right? ...right?

So here I am, alone in the apartment, and one nagging thought is running through my head.

"I could be in Poland right now."

It's silly, really. B and I booked this week-long holiday ages ago with his parents, because his younger brother is over in Warsaw teaching English and we thought it might be nice to go on a "family" holiday and visit him. I managed to find super cheap flights, a killer short-let apartment in the Old Town part of Warsaw...

...and then I bailed.

Ok, I didn't exactly bail as such, but we had booked everything before I knew the details of my PR & Event Management course. I knew there were going to be a few all-day Saturday sessions but they hadn't confirmed any dates at the time. Sure enough, though... when they finally did confirm the dates, one of them was smack bang in the middle of our trip. And I knew there would be no way I could go. I knew my conscience wouldn't let me miss the equivalent of 4 weeks of lectures, just for a holiday. I guess that's the high school nerd in me. I never was one for cutting class.

So B and the in-laws left at 5 this morning, and after getting up to wish them a safe trip and an enjoyable holiday, I went back to sleep. As I see it, that's the only real benefit of not being on this holiday - not having to go to the airport at some ungodly hour. Gotta look for the bright side of every situation, right?

But still... I could be in Poland right now. Sigh.

The Taxman Cometh...

I'm going to take a brief time-out from my happy, positive lifestyle plan to go on a bit of a "railing at the sheer injustice of it all" bender. Bear with me on this. Happy sunshiney K will be back soon.

So apparently, DESPITE the fact that while I was employed I paid my taxes to the Irish Government, DESPITE being unemployed for the last 5 months, DESPITE my rapidly dwindling savings and most of all DESPITE the fact that I haven't lived at home AT ALL for the last two and a half years, Revenue Canada has decided that I owe them. And owe them Big Time.

Anyone want to buy a spare kidney that I suppose I don't really need?

Now, I understand that I am still a legal resident of Canada, in that I haven't renounced my citizenship (nor do I ever intend to do so), and as such, I am entitled to use all the services and things that one's tax dollars would normally pay for. Olympics, anyone? (Grr...)

The problem, as I see it, is that I'm effectively being shafted by not one, but TWO countries... AT THE SAME TIME! (apologies for the caps... but what is a rant without caps?) When I was gainfully employed I dutifully paid my taxes to the Irish Government, even though as a non-national I'm not really entitled to anything, including welfare, without it having seriously negative repercussions on any future citizenship applications.

"Ah grand, you want to be Irish. Have you ever been on welfare? You have? (insert disapproving tut-tut noise here) Ah well, we can't be having that. Denied."

At the same time, as a Canadian I'm almost totally entitled to use any or all services my tax dollars pay for... only I'm not in the country!!

The only Canadian service I can use is the Canadian Embassy. And don't even get me started on those guys. For the amount of tax Revenue Canada is currently trying to carve out of my internal organs, the LEAST the Embassy could do is be open longer than 9am - noon. I'm only trying to get my passport renewed. Plus they are way way way across town in the middle of nowhere.

I mean seriously.

End rant.

What's Next, Universe?

First it was the mysterious stomach ailment.

Then it was getting laid off during a recession.

Now, evidently... I have gout. Kudos to Mel and my mom for the initial diagnosis, by the way! :)

Yes, after a few excruciatingly painful nights where my toe felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly with a searing hot knife, I finally rang the on-call doctor for an emergency housecall at 6am yesterday morning. He arrived 3 hours later (you wouldn't want to be dying!) and shot me full of painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and suggested I stay pretty much horizontal for a while.

Sigh.

So here I am... still on the couch. The sun is shining, barely a cloud in the sky, and the furthest I've moved since Sunday is downstairs to the mailbox. The anti-inflammatories are making me nauseous, but they seem to be working since I had a good night's sleep last night, so I can't complain too much.

This was supposed to be the week that I landed a job... that I went to the bank... that I finally sorted out my passport renewal application... gah. I'm so frustrated it's unbelievable. I'd say "these things happen for a reason", but to be honest, I can't conceive of a plausible reason for someone my age developing such a painful, horrible condition. It really, really sucks.

Any suggestions for how to stave off or alleviate incredible boredom are always appreciated.

Apologies for the rant... I'll be back on form when this heals up... I promise!

Highs and Lows

This week I have been mood swinging all over the place. In an attempt to regain a state of Zen-like calm, I've decided to write down all the good and bad things that have happened this week. Hopefully this will lead to a realisation that things I may consider "bad" are mostly just trifling, stupid and petty, somewhat along the lines of White Whines (which is also a very entertaining site). So here goes:

Good Things

- finding an absolutely perfect pair of boots (dark brown, leather, knee-high) for €65, then realising they are on sale for €25
- a call this morning from a customer service spokesperson from O2 (my mobile phone company) to downsell me to a better plan, because "really, you're not using even HALF of the minutes you get on your current plan, and this new plan can save you €15 per month". Never in my life has a customer service person offered to downsell me, or even been so honest. O2 are now among my favourite people
- getting accepted on to a part-time Postgraduate Diploma in PR and Event Management, starting at the end of March. Back to school for me!
- finally getting ONE job interview (but not til the end of February)

Bad Things

- coming to the realisation that my savings (which I was quite proud of at the end of October) are now severely depleted
- the recent flood of "Thank you for your application for X job. We regret to inform you that on this occasion your application was not successful" letters. Especially the ones with spelling errors. That REALLY bothered me today.
- not being able to find any of the baking supplies I need to make my muffins. I mean really... all I'm after is oats! And you call yourselves a "baking section"...
- grey, rainy, miserable weather
- people (on the bus, in the shops, in general) complaining about work. At least you HAVE a job.
- people suggesting I should sign on for welfare. I know you're well-meaning and all... and that I'm more than entitled to do it... but all I can think of is "bleedin' immigrants, coming over here and sponging off the State..." I'm not comfortable with that. I know it's my own hangup, but seriously. Stop suggesting it.

Okay, so when I see it all written out like that I know it's not so bad. It could certainly be a lot worse.

So I think I will take the rest of the day to wallow in my own self pity, and then get the hell over myself. Because really, it's not doing me any good.

Will work for...?

Is there any worse kind of weather than the drizzly grey bleh-ness of Dublin? Especially since I often feel like my moods are tied in to the weather outside. Not quite seasonal affective disorder, but something close.

I'm getting frustrated.

Over the past couple of weeks I've thrown all my energy into The Epic Jobhunt, but to no avail. Well, that's not to say that I've been rejected by every single company or organisation. Far from it. Apart from the occasional "We've received your application and will let you know" email, I've heard precisely nothing. Nothing from anyone. Ok, maybe I'm just impatient but seriously... I want to work! I've enjoyed my 3 months of unemployment, but I definitely think it's time I rejoined the workforce.

Anyone want to give me a job? You won't regret it! To quote Homer Simpson: "I work like a Japanese beaver!"

Is this what's wrong with me?

Every so often I get down. The knee-jerk reaction to that kind of statement is "Who doesn't?" but lately I've been thinking it's something more serious. I don't think it's depression, at least not in a clinical sense, but it's getting to the point where it's affecting my life.

Some days I feel tired and lethargic. Some days I just want to be left alone with my thoughts, and shun physical contact entirely. Some days I get homesick (ordinarily a very rare occurrence for me). And some days I think I'm on the wrong track all together.

This cannot be good. I'm usually such a happy person that ever since these feelings started I look at myself and sometimes wonder who I am. Luckily B has stuck by me through each and every mood swing with the patience of a saint. A lesser man would have run away ages ago, and I am extremely grateful and fortunate to have him in my life.

As for causes, or reasons for these feelings, well I've run through a fairly exhaustive list: homesickness, seasonal affective disorder, immigration woes, impending redundancy at work and the related stresses of trying to find a new job, the general dire situation of the world... you name it, I've thought of it.

The one thing I didn't think of is all the problems I've been having lately with my stomach. I suppose I thought of that more as a symptom of some elusive cause than as the cause itself. But Maria & Co suggest, based on medical evidence, that digestive function is very closely linked to a person's mood, and that by suppressing digestive enzymes (as I have done on doctor's orders using a seriously high-dose acid suppressor) my body is not digesting enough amino acids, which are essential for generating a happy mood.

I stopped taking the tablets about a week ago, as my stomach and digestion were possibly even worse than they had been pre-medication, preferring instead to try a more natural remedy of aloe vera juice (which has worked wonders, by the way!) I'm hoping the knock-on effect to my overall health and happiness will kick in soon.

Either that... or I can just chalk it up to PMS. :)

Case of the Blahs

I appreciate the irony of following my last post ("Things that make me happy") with a post about the blahs... but I'm having a bit of a downer day. It's not anything in particular... more like an accumulation of small things over this past week that have finally caught up to me.

The days are getting shorter. Today it was noticeably dark at 7.55pm. I do like the comfortable feeling that winter brings (warm comfort food, the promise of snow, bundling up in the warmest possible clothes) but there is a certain something about grey days followed by long dark nights that can get a person down every now and then.

I think work is getting to me too. On a daily basis I am accosted with generally negative media coverage of my chosen field - a field I believe passionately in - to the point that some days it feels like we are talking to a brick wall. I suppose it would be different if I worked with the clients, who are generally hugely appreciative of the hard work our staff do for them. At any rate, I think I need a holiday. Thank heavens it's Friday and I can have a whole weekend to distract myself with.

And as always, whenever I'm feeling down comes the inevitable homesickness. And it's had a strange trigger this time. Usually it's missing my friends, my family, the people who have known me my whole life... this time it was scrapbooking. Of all things! I realised that I really missed the projects I used to start (and often finish) at home... going to Michaels and stocking up on wonderful, exciting supplies for potential projects. In Dublin I wouldn't have the faintest idea of where to go... and that made me sad.

So... I suppose that's where I am now. B as always is extremely patient and understanding of my "I need to be alone"-ness, and I remind myself constantly how lucky I am to have a partner who is so supportive and caring.

On the plus side, on my lunch break I discovered Caroline's Crayons. She is an amazing woman who uses her drawings to convey incredibly inspiring, uplifting messages. And I love it.

I'm not upset, I'm...

Ever since I found out my job was in trouble I've had a lot of time to think about things. About a month, to be precise. And it's been a bit of a rollercoaster: tears, tantrums, rants and raves. But today, after a meeting with our CEO yesterday afternoon (and even more tears and tantrums last night) I've come to some important realisations.

1 - This is out of my control
At the moment the organisation simply doesn't have the money to keep me on, and with the Government refusing to fund NGOs it is a sad fact of life that money is not likely to come from anywhere anytime soon.

2 - It's not me
I think this is the one that matters most to me. I have done a good job. I am good at what I do. Nobody wants to see me go, and what's more, they really feel they can't AFFORD to lose me. But again, it's out of my (and their) control.

3 - There are more opportunities out there
As disappointed as I will be to have to leave such a great organisation (and it is), there are other jobs out there that will allow me to grow and develop from an assistant/admin role to a more responsible communications role. All I have to do is go after them.

So with those 3 things in mind... well, I'm still disappointed, a bit scared, but also hopeful. I know these people will do everything in their powers to make sure that I'm okay and do well. I have the support of one of the most powerful NGOs in Ireland behind me, and that means the world to me.

Now I just have to jump back in to the job market - a thought that at present is about as appealing as having a root canal with no freezing (for an idea of what that's like, read A Million Little Pieces !) But I'm a stubborn, determined girl... I've hit setbacks like this before and I haven't given up.

And I won't this time, either.