Subtitle "...or why I am actually surprised that I'm pretty good at meditation".
The last few weeks have rarely seen me falling asleep before 3am. Despite cutting out my evening coffee, and despite the fact that my body may be absolutely exhausted and incapable of movement, the moment I try to shut my eyes, my mind goes into hyperactive overdrive.
I find this particularly frustrating because I've been trying to meditate regularly during the day, and can, in fact, sit still and calm for 10 minute intervals (as suggested for beginners by the nice Buddhist Centre people down the road). Nonetheless, my brain seems to think that sleep is for the weak and feeble - because apparently there are a million things to be done or thought of at 3am that absolutely, positively must be done Right This Very Second.
Ahem.
Here is a select sample of random thoughts that have kept me up over the past few nights. And no, I'm not exaggerating. It's really this bad.
Me - Ok brain... time for sleep.
K's brain - But you have to finish that letter to your landlord, because otherwise your lease is due for renewal in a few weeks and they won't know that you want them to lower your rent! How are you going to pay rent if you don't have any money? You really should call that recruitment agency and apologise for not taking the position they offered you.
Me - Yes but we've been through this - I don't even know how to operate a switchboard, and that's all the job was!
K's brain - Yeah, but who knows? Now maybe they'll never call you ever again because they think you're some sort of job-rejecting person. Nobody wants to hire someone like that.
Me - Ok, well I'll give it a few days and ring the manager again. Now can I sleep?
K's brain - But what about the money? Don't you feel bad for sponging off B all the time? And you weren't very nice to him last night... all he did was say he didn't like your dinner. Actually, scratch that. Your dinner was awesome. He was totally wrong to say that he didn't like it.
Me - Brain, we've been through this already.
K's brain - Well maybe you should wake him up and apologise again. Or apologise for not being able to go to Poland with his family like you'd planned. That's totally your fault even though you have no control over your PR course schedule so you should definitely feel guilty about that. I think you should apologise to B right now for that. Because did you see how disappointed he looked when you told him you probably couldn't go?
Me - I know but he's asleep right now. Asleep. Like I should be.
K's brain - I think you should definitely be working on ideas for your course project. Could you actually use your former place of employment? Don't you think that'd be a bit weird? Maybe you could use B's brother-in-law's company. That'd be cool. I have about a million ideas for them which I will now list for you in no particular order.........
So this has been my life for the last few weeks. Then, if I'm really lucky, once I get to sleep I will be woken up by B, either snoring, or throwing himself across me in an attempt to save me as our car hurls off a cliff (in his dream, mind you). No joke. It happened the other night.
March 31, 2009
March 23, 2009
This week's inspirations
I've seen a lot of really inspiring videos lately, and I wanted to be able to share them with everyone (and also keep them in one place for easy access!)
I hope you enjoy them as I have!
The Lost Generation
I admit, when I first watched this I didn't fully understand what was going on. I thought "How bleak and depressing!" but halfway through I finally got it. The video touches on many of the issues that I've come to realise are incredibly important to me - family, friends, experiences... and that I do not want my life to revolve around the quest for money or power.
Great Work
As a follower of David Allen (of Getting Things Done fame) on Twitter, I discovered this short video from one of his tweets. Find Your Great Work is a book by Michael Bungay Stanier, and the video encourages you to be ruthless and persistent to successfully get "great work" in your life. Since becoming unemployed I've alternated between two mindsets: the "sticking to my guns and not compromising my beliefs" model, and the "beggars can't be choosers" model. Ultimately, although the former has yet to pay off, it leaves me determined and positive, as opposed to the latter, which often leaves me in a funk.
Did You Know?
This video came to my attention via an old friend from high school. I must have watched it at least 10 times now, always amazed by the statistics and sheer volume of information they have managed to condense into 5 minutes. It almost makes me want to run away and work on a farm somewhere, whilst reminiscing about the good old days...
What about you? Do you have any videos you find inspiring?
I hope you enjoy them as I have!
The Lost Generation
I admit, when I first watched this I didn't fully understand what was going on. I thought "How bleak and depressing!" but halfway through I finally got it. The video touches on many of the issues that I've come to realise are incredibly important to me - family, friends, experiences... and that I do not want my life to revolve around the quest for money or power.
Great Work
As a follower of David Allen (of Getting Things Done fame) on Twitter, I discovered this short video from one of his tweets. Find Your Great Work is a book by Michael Bungay Stanier, and the video encourages you to be ruthless and persistent to successfully get "great work" in your life. Since becoming unemployed I've alternated between two mindsets: the "sticking to my guns and not compromising my beliefs" model, and the "beggars can't be choosers" model. Ultimately, although the former has yet to pay off, it leaves me determined and positive, as opposed to the latter, which often leaves me in a funk.
Did You Know?
This video came to my attention via an old friend from high school. I must have watched it at least 10 times now, always amazed by the statistics and sheer volume of information they have managed to condense into 5 minutes. It almost makes me want to run away and work on a farm somewhere, whilst reminiscing about the good old days...
What about you? Do you have any videos you find inspiring?
March 20, 2009
New Season, New Year, New Me
Happy Equinox! And also Happy Nowruz (Iranian New Year)!
I don't know what it is, but over the past few days I've detected a noticeable change in... well... everything. The sun in shining, trees and flowers are blossoming, my little herb garden has started to sprout, and the other day I heard little songbirds outside. Honestly! I live by a motorway and a major train line and yet somewhere there are birds singing their hearts out. I love it.
Everyone seems happier too. B and I went down to Tipperary for an extended weekend (he took Monday off since Tuesday, St Patrick's Day, is a holiday in Ireland) and had a wonderful time with his parents. Although the first couple of days were a bit grey, we went out to the gardens at Birr Castle for a nice long walk, and the next day we drove round and round the countryside, and up into the Slieve Bloom mountains. St Patrick's Day was bright and sunny, and so we went into town to watch the parade. Everyone was happy and smiling, with none of the drunken horrors that we could have expected in Dublin.
It was perfect, and I've got the photos to prove it.
Since we got back I feel like I've got a new lease on life. Sure, I'm still jobhunting and collecting enough rejection letters to wallpaper our apartment, but I'm also getting a better idea of what I want to do with my life. I'm really excited about my upcoming evening course in Public Relations and Event Management too, as I know it'll help me on my path to getting what I want out of life (particularly career-wise). I've also found a brilliant recruitment agency who genuinely want to do everything they can to help me find a job, which was a huge boost to my self-esteem and self-confidence yesterday.
It's as if the last few months were a kind of "hibernation", where I was able to take a "time out" on my life, reflect, reassess, and then come out strong and revitalised.
I guess that's the whole point of spring, and of Nowruz. I think these guys might be on to something. Celebrating the New Year at the moment when (at least the northern half of) the world comes out of a long, dark, cold season and into light, rebirth and warmth does make a lot of sense!
March 13, 2009
My "first" meme...
Ok, I'm using a meme as filler today because 1) it's Friday the 13th, 2) I'm trying to find/edit a new photo so WTS can have a new spring-ier layout, and 3) I think my hayfever is kicking in so my thought patterns are a bit woozy. Plus I've been reading a book I found on Scientology (an insider's view) and it's scaring the life out of me, so no one really wants to hear a blogging rant about that, I'm sure!
Enjoy!
1) Who was your FIRST prom date?
We only had "senior formals" at my school. My first date (in grade 11) was my boyfriend at the time. By the next one we'd split up so I went with my girlfriends.
2) Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Not really, no. Most of my relationships didn't end on the best of terms, so I'm not really on speaking terms with any of them.
3) What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
My parents had this rule that you could try wine with dinner (fancy dinners only, like Thanksgiving and Christmas) when you were 16. I didn't like it very much. Probably because it was white wine, and I've never been a huge fan of white wine.
4) What was your FIRST job?
I was a babysitter from age 9 onwards. I rocked at babysitting. But my first "proper" job was as a warehouse assistant for a retail fashion company. You know those hanging price tags on clothes? They don't just put themselves on the clothes, you know. I am a whiz with a tagging gun.
5) What was your FIRST car?
The first car I drove was my family's Dodge Caravan. It was like driving a tank, and utterly terrifying for a then-16-year-old me. My first actual car was my grandad's old Toyota Tercel, which was called the Zenmobile (the licence plate was XEN).
6) Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Nobody's actually texted me yet. I think B is out of credit. Plus he was in meetings all morning.
7) Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Probably B. His phone is broken so he's been using mine as his alarm clock. I can sleep through his, but mine always wakes me up... so my first thought is usually "Shut that alarm off and let me go back to sleep!"
8) Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs Loxton. She used to call me Ingrid. I never did figure out why. I remember exactly 2 things from that year - one, learning the days of the week in French. Two, the poor woman trying to explain how our class hamster could have babies when there wasn't a daddy hamster.
9) Where did you go on your FIRST ride in an airplane?
Hawaii, when I was 7 (I think). My dad arranged a limo to take us to the airport as well. I remember getting a load of cool toys and stickers from the WardAir people, and having an entire middle row to myself on the way back so I could sleep.
10) Who was your FIRST best friend and do you still talk?
That was probably Joel, since we practically grew up together. Our families are still close so yes, we usually see each other at Christmas for the traditional inter-family pre-Christmas dinner.
11) Where was your FIRST sleepover?
I have absolutely no idea.
12) Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
B when he got back from his meeting.
13) Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
I was a flower girl at my uncle's wedding when I was 2 and a half. He still maintains that everyone was watching me and the ring bearer (also 2 and a half) instead of my then-aunt-to-be. Stealing the show, even at that young age...
14) What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Had coffee. I have a morning routine.
15) What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Apart from the Children's Festival in Vancouver? The first one I really remember is Edgefest 98. I got kicked in the head in the mosh pit, and lost my best friend for at least an hour. Totally worth it.
16) What was the FIRST record/tape?
The first CD I ever bought (I can't recall buying a tape... maybe the Blues Brothers soundtrack?) was C&C Music Factory. It's still a good CD. Good old early 90s techno.
17) FIRST hospitalisation?
I don't think I've ever been in overnight, but I know I was in and out of hospital for ear infections when I was little. I had to get tubes in my ears a few times.
18) FIRST foreign country you've been to?
I suppose it'd be the US (how exotic). Or Mexico (we only drove across the border to Tijuana). Other than that I guess it would be England, when I moved there for first year uni.
19) FIRST movie you remember seeing?
I remember watching ET on video (Beta, I believe!) with my aunt, but I doubt that's the first movie I ever saw.
20) When was your FIRST detention?
I was generally a little goody-two-shoes in school, but I do remember getting detention at least once in grade 6 for talking instead of getting my work done. It was a substitute teacher too, and the whole class thought he was mean and awful.
21) Where did you FIRST meet your spouse/partner now?
In an internship interview. Ha ha ha. Oh dear.
22) Who was your FIRST roommate?
A girl called Steph, in first year university. I remember she didn't like sharing a room (with anyone, not just me!) so she paid extra to move out into her own room. I had a bit of a complex after that.
23) What did you do with your FIRST paycheque?
Probably something sensible, like putting it in the bank and using it to pay for university. I'm financially boring that way.
Enjoy!
1) Who was your FIRST prom date?
We only had "senior formals" at my school. My first date (in grade 11) was my boyfriend at the time. By the next one we'd split up so I went with my girlfriends.
2) Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Not really, no. Most of my relationships didn't end on the best of terms, so I'm not really on speaking terms with any of them.
3) What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
My parents had this rule that you could try wine with dinner (fancy dinners only, like Thanksgiving and Christmas) when you were 16. I didn't like it very much. Probably because it was white wine, and I've never been a huge fan of white wine.
4) What was your FIRST job?
I was a babysitter from age 9 onwards. I rocked at babysitting. But my first "proper" job was as a warehouse assistant for a retail fashion company. You know those hanging price tags on clothes? They don't just put themselves on the clothes, you know. I am a whiz with a tagging gun.
5) What was your FIRST car?
The first car I drove was my family's Dodge Caravan. It was like driving a tank, and utterly terrifying for a then-16-year-old me. My first actual car was my grandad's old Toyota Tercel, which was called the Zenmobile (the licence plate was XEN).
6) Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Nobody's actually texted me yet. I think B is out of credit. Plus he was in meetings all morning.
7) Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
Probably B. His phone is broken so he's been using mine as his alarm clock. I can sleep through his, but mine always wakes me up... so my first thought is usually "Shut that alarm off and let me go back to sleep!"
8) Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs Loxton. She used to call me Ingrid. I never did figure out why. I remember exactly 2 things from that year - one, learning the days of the week in French. Two, the poor woman trying to explain how our class hamster could have babies when there wasn't a daddy hamster.
9) Where did you go on your FIRST ride in an airplane?
Hawaii, when I was 7 (I think). My dad arranged a limo to take us to the airport as well. I remember getting a load of cool toys and stickers from the WardAir people, and having an entire middle row to myself on the way back so I could sleep.
10) Who was your FIRST best friend and do you still talk?
That was probably Joel, since we practically grew up together. Our families are still close so yes, we usually see each other at Christmas for the traditional inter-family pre-Christmas dinner.
11) Where was your FIRST sleepover?
I have absolutely no idea.
12) Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
B when he got back from his meeting.
13) Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
I was a flower girl at my uncle's wedding when I was 2 and a half. He still maintains that everyone was watching me and the ring bearer (also 2 and a half) instead of my then-aunt-to-be. Stealing the show, even at that young age...
14) What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Had coffee. I have a morning routine.
15) What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Apart from the Children's Festival in Vancouver? The first one I really remember is Edgefest 98. I got kicked in the head in the mosh pit, and lost my best friend for at least an hour. Totally worth it.
16) What was the FIRST record/tape?
The first CD I ever bought (I can't recall buying a tape... maybe the Blues Brothers soundtrack?) was C&C Music Factory. It's still a good CD. Good old early 90s techno.
17) FIRST hospitalisation?
I don't think I've ever been in overnight, but I know I was in and out of hospital for ear infections when I was little. I had to get tubes in my ears a few times.
18) FIRST foreign country you've been to?
I suppose it'd be the US (how exotic). Or Mexico (we only drove across the border to Tijuana). Other than that I guess it would be England, when I moved there for first year uni.
19) FIRST movie you remember seeing?
I remember watching ET on video (Beta, I believe!) with my aunt, but I doubt that's the first movie I ever saw.
20) When was your FIRST detention?
I was generally a little goody-two-shoes in school, but I do remember getting detention at least once in grade 6 for talking instead of getting my work done. It was a substitute teacher too, and the whole class thought he was mean and awful.
21) Where did you FIRST meet your spouse/partner now?
In an internship interview. Ha ha ha. Oh dear.
22) Who was your FIRST roommate?
A girl called Steph, in first year university. I remember she didn't like sharing a room (with anyone, not just me!) so she paid extra to move out into her own room. I had a bit of a complex after that.
23) What did you do with your FIRST paycheque?
Probably something sensible, like putting it in the bank and using it to pay for university. I'm financially boring that way.
March 10, 2009
Upbeat
Alright kids, I've had enough of the whole "feeling sorry for myself" malarkey. Starting now (well, actually yesterday) I've got a new lease on life and am feeling much better about things. And it's about time.
On the "my body hates me and wants me to be miserable forever" front, the anti-inflammatory pills have done a wonderful job and I have finally rejoined the world of the walking. Today I took my first tentative steps outside the apartment since last Sunday (that's over a week... yikes) and made it to Inchicore village with only a few minor twinges and gripes from the toe. Success! To be honest I never realised how much you can take something simple (like walking) for granted. It certainly won't happen again, as I now live in fear of The Pain flaring up again. Oww...
With increased mobility comes an increased determination on the jobhunting front too. I'm attacking job ads with a renewed vigour and enthusiasm, despite not hearing from at least 10 of the previous jobs I'd applied for. My new outlook? They don't know what they're missing... but boy, are they ever missing out.
I also cleaned the apartment yesterday for the first time in ages. Ages in this case being approximately a week. I don't have OCD or anything... I just notice crumbs and dust easier on our dark wood floors. Needless to say I don't think B missed my shrieks of "Get off my nice clean floors with your filthy boots!" while I was incapacitated...
In other news, it's finally beginning to look like spring. There's still a bit of a chill in the air, but the sun is (sometimes) shining and the daffodils are out in full force. Perhaps that's what's led to my rebirth of determination?
On the "my body hates me and wants me to be miserable forever" front, the anti-inflammatory pills have done a wonderful job and I have finally rejoined the world of the walking. Today I took my first tentative steps outside the apartment since last Sunday (that's over a week... yikes) and made it to Inchicore village with only a few minor twinges and gripes from the toe. Success! To be honest I never realised how much you can take something simple (like walking) for granted. It certainly won't happen again, as I now live in fear of The Pain flaring up again. Oww...
With increased mobility comes an increased determination on the jobhunting front too. I'm attacking job ads with a renewed vigour and enthusiasm, despite not hearing from at least 10 of the previous jobs I'd applied for. My new outlook? They don't know what they're missing... but boy, are they ever missing out.
I also cleaned the apartment yesterday for the first time in ages. Ages in this case being approximately a week. I don't have OCD or anything... I just notice crumbs and dust easier on our dark wood floors. Needless to say I don't think B missed my shrieks of "Get off my nice clean floors with your filthy boots!" while I was incapacitated...
In other news, it's finally beginning to look like spring. There's still a bit of a chill in the air, but the sun is (sometimes) shining and the daffodils are out in full force. Perhaps that's what's led to my rebirth of determination?
March 5, 2009
What's Next, Universe?
First it was the mysterious stomach ailment.
Then it was getting laid off during a recession.
Now, evidently... I have gout. Kudos to Mel and my mom for the initial diagnosis, by the way! :)
Yes, after a few excruciatingly painful nights where my toe felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly with a searing hot knife, I finally rang the on-call doctor for an emergency housecall at 6am yesterday morning. He arrived 3 hours later (you wouldn't want to be dying!) and shot me full of painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and suggested I stay pretty much horizontal for a while.
Sigh.
So here I am... still on the couch. The sun is shining, barely a cloud in the sky, and the furthest I've moved since Sunday is downstairs to the mailbox. The anti-inflammatories are making me nauseous, but they seem to be working since I had a good night's sleep last night, so I can't complain too much.
This was supposed to be the week that I landed a job... that I went to the bank... that I finally sorted out my passport renewal application... gah. I'm so frustrated it's unbelievable. I'd say "these things happen for a reason", but to be honest, I can't conceive of a plausible reason for someone my age developing such a painful, horrible condition. It really, really sucks.
Any suggestions for how to stave off or alleviate incredible boredom are always appreciated.
Apologies for the rant... I'll be back on form when this heals up... I promise!
Then it was getting laid off during a recession.
Now, evidently... I have gout. Kudos to Mel and my mom for the initial diagnosis, by the way! :)
Yes, after a few excruciatingly painful nights where my toe felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly with a searing hot knife, I finally rang the on-call doctor for an emergency housecall at 6am yesterday morning. He arrived 3 hours later (you wouldn't want to be dying!) and shot me full of painkillers and anti-inflammatories, and suggested I stay pretty much horizontal for a while.
Sigh.
So here I am... still on the couch. The sun is shining, barely a cloud in the sky, and the furthest I've moved since Sunday is downstairs to the mailbox. The anti-inflammatories are making me nauseous, but they seem to be working since I had a good night's sleep last night, so I can't complain too much.
This was supposed to be the week that I landed a job... that I went to the bank... that I finally sorted out my passport renewal application... gah. I'm so frustrated it's unbelievable. I'd say "these things happen for a reason", but to be honest, I can't conceive of a plausible reason for someone my age developing such a painful, horrible condition. It really, really sucks.
Any suggestions for how to stave off or alleviate incredible boredom are always appreciated.
Apologies for the rant... I'll be back on form when this heals up... I promise!
March 2, 2009
Broken
As I write this I'm camped out on my couch, under the fleecy blanket my aunt made for me last Christmas. I have not moved any great distance, apart from forays to the coffee maker, to the bathroom (naturally!) and one great expedition to the postbox downstairs.
For the record, I'm not lazy. I think I've broken (or most likely sprained) my big toe.
What I don't get... is how it happened. Generally when a person breaks/sprains something, there is a moment of impact, followed by loud exclamations, usually involving a few choice phrases that would make a sailor blush.
Therein lies the problem. In the last few days I have not stubbed, knocked, hit or otherwise damaged my poor little toe. And yet for some reason I can now no longer stand to bend, touch or put weight on my left big toe. Owie.
I'm chalking it up to being one of the great mysteries of life... like the pyramids, or crop circles... or Area 51. Only less politically important, and more personally painful.
Seriously. Ow.
For the record, I'm not lazy. I think I've broken (or most likely sprained) my big toe.
What I don't get... is how it happened. Generally when a person breaks/sprains something, there is a moment of impact, followed by loud exclamations, usually involving a few choice phrases that would make a sailor blush.
Therein lies the problem. In the last few days I have not stubbed, knocked, hit or otherwise damaged my poor little toe. And yet for some reason I can now no longer stand to bend, touch or put weight on my left big toe. Owie.
I'm chalking it up to being one of the great mysteries of life... like the pyramids, or crop circles... or Area 51. Only less politically important, and more personally painful.
Seriously. Ow.
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